Photo Credit (Pixabay)
We recognise that our children will occasionally make mistakes while they are very young and learning new abilities, such as walking, talking, and sharing. We therefore show them kindness when they are having difficulties and gently help them to grow from their errors. However, we sometimes forget that our kids are still gaining important skills when they get to puberty. We fail to anticipate that they will make blunders. Even worse, we neglect to respond kindly.
I want you to pause for a moment and reflect on your teenage years. Have your parents ever scolded you, criticised you, or voiced their displeasure over your actions and errors? When they did it, how did it feel? Were you feeling cut off from them? Did they seem to be working against you? Now consider what it would have been like if your parents had acknowledged that you made mistakes occasionally. Do you now feel closer to your parents? Do you think you can confide in them and share your issues with them?
It’s just as crucial now as it was when our teenagers were younger to respond to their errors with compassion and understanding. Adolescents learn personal responsibility and realise that failure is a means of development when we model for them how to bounce back from setbacks without placing blame, embarrassment, or criticism.
The actual act of doing it is the difficult part. Let’s start with an example so we can practice responding with understanding and empathy:
The Practice of Conscious Parenting
Katherine, 15, has a midterm test the following day and a tonne of homework. She implores to go hang out with her friends after football practice. She assures her mother, Sue, that as soon as she gets home by 5:30, she will finish her homework and prepare for the test. It takes Katherine till 8:00 to get home, and by then, she is too exhausted and hungry to study and complete her schoolwork.
Sue believes Katherine betrayed her confidence by failing to fulfil her end of the agreement. Sue acknowledges that she let Katherine go out to avoid a major argument and regrets doing so. Sue worries that Katherine won’t finish her schoolwork and will perform poorly on her midterm exam because she is unable to study at the moment. Sue is experiencing anxiety and anger. Additionally, the fact that this has happened previously irritates her.
Sue’s first instinct is to say, “I told you so.” “You did it once more.” “You are untrustworthy.” She understands that all of those responses are a result of her own rage and worry, which are mostly brought on by her desire to alter Katherine’s behaviour pattern. Additionally, she knows from past experience that no amount of shouting, scolding, or lecturing can make the situation better or significantly affect Katherine’s behaviour going forward. Sue is aware that saying any of those things will make her daughter defensive and cause them to grow apart. In order to build a relationship and assist her daughter in escaping her destructive behaviour pattern, she would prefer to adopt a more conscious approach. What ought Sue to do?
Silence is golden, and acceptance is essential.
Sue must first come to terms with the current state of affairs. She must accept the uncomfortable fact that Katherine is unlikely to finish her assignments or be ready for her test. Blaming and yelling won’t help students finish their schoolwork or prepare for the test. Such a response would only serve to increase animosity and alienation. Rather, Sue must start with quiet if she truly wants to adopt a mindful approach. Sue must examine her own emotions of fear and rage without passing judgement or responding to them. Instead of using those emotions as a catalyst to lash out, she can start to detach and let go by just seeing and acknowledging their presence.
Answer—Don’t React.
Sue can now relate to Katherine by considering her daughter’s current needs after separating herself from her own fear. It had been twelve hours since Katherine left the house. She spent the entire day at school, went to football practice, and then went to see pals. She was flustered, tired, and hungry. Sue would respond mindfully by offering comfort and food.
Allow the repercussions to unfold.
Katherine is more inclined to voice her worries about not being able to complete her homework now that Sue has taken care of her daughter’s medical requirements. Sue can now listen without attempting to resolve the issue. Since these were the inevitable outcomes of Katherine’s errors, she can permit her to attend class without completing her assignments and without being ready for her test. With no one else to blame, not even her mother, Katherine can accept the consequences of her actions.
The Area Without Blame
Katherine is more likely to seek assistance from someone who recognises that failure is a necessary component of learning if her behaviour lowers her grades. Katherine is more likely to ask if they may collaborate to find answers if Sue acknowledges that her daughter is still figuring things out and maintains her objectivity.
Facilitates Communication!
In summary, our teenagers will make mistakes—sometimes serious ones. By recognising their own worry, managing their worries, and letting go of their agenda, parents may establish a strong bond with their kids and give them the freedom to express themselves and choose their own path.