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Does your youngster exhibit problematic behavior? You probably need to focus on your relationship with your child.
The scene at the checkout line is familiar: a three-year-old youngster wants something—a toy, sweets, or something else—and they want it immediately! The sobbing begins and develops into a full-fledged outburst.
Laurence Steinberg, PhD, offers recommendations in his new book, The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, which is based on the best social science research, which spans almost 75 years. He claims that if you follow them, you can prevent a variety of behavioral issues in kids.
After all, when you’re working with kids, what’s the point? To demonstrate who is in charge? To evoke fear? Or to assist the child in becoming a good, confident adult?
According to Steinberg, good parenting promotes kindness, cooperation, self-control, self-reliance, empathy, honesty, and joy. Additionally, it fosters drive, ambition, and intellectual curiosity. It helps shield kids from eating disorders, anxiety, despair, antisocial behavior, and drug and alcohol misuse.
“Parenting is one of the most researched areas in the entire field of social science,” says Steinberg, a famous psychology professor at Temple University in Philadelphia. For the concepts he lays out, the scientific data “is very, very consistent,” he tells WebMD.
Too many parents behave based solely on instinct. However, Steinberg asserts that some parents are more intuitive than others. He tells WebMD that hitting kids is never appropriate, not even a slap on the butt. “If your young child is headed into danger, into traffic, you can grab him and hold him, but you should under no circumstances hit him.”
There is no greater agreement than that of Ruby Natale, PhD, PsyD, who teaches clinical pediatrics at the University of Miami Medical School. She shared some of her personal observations. “Many people use the same tactics their own parents used, and a lot of times that meant using really harsh discipline,” she told WebMD.
According to Natale, a child’s behavior, especially behavioral issues, will be a reflection of the relationship between the parent and the child. “Your child won’t listen to you if you don’t establish a positive relationship with them. Consider your interactions with other adults. You are more likely to listen to them, trust them, and agree with them if you get along well with them. We will disregard someone’s opinion if we simply don’t like them.
Anyone who works with children, whether they are a coach, teacher, or babysitter, should follow Steinberg’s ten rules, he claims.
The Ten Guidelines for Effective Parenting
- Your actions count. For Steinberg, “this is one of the most important principles,” WebMD reports. “Your actions have an impact. Your children are observing you. Don’t just respond without thinking. “What do I want to achieve, and is this likely to achieve that outcome?”
- You can’t be overly affectionate. “It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love,” he states. “Giving a child too much affection never leads to what we sometimes consider the result of pampering them. It is typically the result of providing a youngster with material goods, leniency, or lessened expectations in lieu of love.
- Take an active role in your child’s development. Being an attentive parent is difficult and time-consuming, and it frequently requires you to reevaluate and rearrange your priorities. Often, it involves putting your child’s needs ahead of your own desires. Be there both physically and mentally.
Participating does not entail completing, reviewing, or fixing a child’s homework. “Homework is a tool for teachers to know whether the child is learning or not,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “If you do the homework, you’re not letting the teacher know what the child is learning.”
- Modify your parenting style to accommodate your child. Stay up to date with your child’s growth. Your youngster is maturing. Think about how the child’s behavior is changing with age.
“The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say ‘no’ all the time is what’s motivating him to be toilet trained,” Steinberg says. “The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table.”
For instance, a student in the eighth grade is easily distracted and agitated. Their academic performance is deteriorating. They argue. In order to prevent their self-esteem from suffering, should parents be more understanding or push them more?
“With a 13-year-old, the problem could be a number of things,” Steinberg explains. “He might have depression. He might be sleeping too little. How late is he staying up? Perhaps he only needs assistance organizing his schedule to make time for learning. He might be struggling with his studies. The solution is not to push him to perform better. An expert diagnosis of the issue is required.
- Create and establish guidelines. “Your child will struggle to master self-management skills when he is older and you are not around if you don’t control his conduct when he is small. You should be able to respond to these three inquiries at any time of day or night: Where is my child? My child is with whom? What is my kid up to? Your child’s self-regulation will be influenced by the rules he has learned from you.
Steinberg says, “But you can’t micromanage your child,” according to WebMD. “Once they’re in middle school, you need to let the child do their own homework, make their own choices, and not intervene.”
- Encourage your child’s self-reliance. Establishing boundaries aids in your child’s self-control development. She gains a sense of self-direction when her independence is encouraged. She will need both in order to succeed in life.
According to Steinberg, children’s demands for independence are common. “A lot of parents make the error of thinking that their child’s independence equates to disobedience or rebellion. Since it is human nature to prefer feeling in control versus being controlled by others, children strive for independence.
- Maintain consistency. “Your child’s disobedience is your problem, not his, if your rules are inconsistent every day or if you only enforce them sometimes. Consistency is your most crucial disciplinary weapon. Decide what you cannot compromise on. Your youngster will be less likely to question your authority the more it is founded on wisdom rather than power.
Steinberg tells WebMD that a lot of parents struggle with consistency. “Children become confused when parents are inconsistent. You must make an effort to be more reliable.
- Steer clear of severe punishment. No matter what, parents should never strike a child. “Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children,” he states. “They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others.”
“There is a lot of evidence that spanking causes aggression in children, which can lead to relationship problems with other kids,” Steinberg told WebMD. “There are many other ways to discipline a child, including ‘time out,’ which work better and do not involve aggression.”
- Describe your guidelines and choices. “Good parents have expectations they want their child to live up to,” he states. In general, parents tend to underexplain to teenagers and overexplain to young children. A twelve-year-old may not see what is plain to you. He lacks your priorities, discernment, and life experience.
As an illustration: A six-year-old is intelligent and very active, but he or she talks too much in class, answers questions quickly, and doesn’t give other children a chance. The child’s behavior issue needs to be addressed by his teacher. Steinberg advises him to discuss it with the youngster. “Parents and the teacher could get together and create a cooperative plan. That youngster must learn to let other kids respond to inquiries.
- Show respect to your child. “The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully,” writes Steinberg. “You ought to treat your child with the same decency that you treat everyone else. Address him with civility. Honor his viewpoint. Listen carefully to what he has to say. Be kind to him. When possible, try to win his approval. Youngsters behave toward others as their parents do. Your child’s relationships with other people are built on your bond with her.
For instance, Steinberg tells WebMD, “I personally don’t think parents should make a big deal about eating” if their child has a particular food preference. ” Food choices are formed by children. They frequently experience them in phases. Mealtimes shouldn’t be made into miserable events. Just be careful not to substitute bad stuff. They won’t eat junk food if you don’t keep it in the house.
According to Natale, the checkout line tantrum can also be prevented. “Children react favorably to organizations. It is impossible to go shopping without getting them ready. Inform them that we will arrive in forty-five minutes. This must be purchased by Mommy. Present the list to them. They will become disinterested, exhausted, and agitated by the crowds if you don’t prepare them.
According to Natale, “Parents forget to consider the child, to respect the child,” WebMD reports. “You work on your marriage, dating, friendships, and connections with other adults. However, how do you and your child get along? The most important thing is that you and your child have a solid relationship and are in tune with one another. Then, there won’t be any problems.”